Chapter 11 Outline

Although today we tend to think of intimacy as the most important and desirable kind of relationship, that has not always been the case. What counts as love, intimacy, or closeness has varied over time

Today, intimacy means psychological closeness and entails sharing personal knowledge on a regular basis. In earlier times this was not the case.
In the Colonial era, intimacy largely referred to physical rather than psychological closeness.
As our society became more pluralistic, the need to choose among alternative value systems motivated people to share personal thoughts and aspirations, as a means of reinforcing these choices.

Intimacy develops as partners redefine their bonds, moving from formal, impersonal relationships to closer, more personal ones.

As intimacy develops, partners move toward the private end of the public-private continuum. They become interdependent, follow individual rules, and engage in personal disclosures, and their relationships become more emotional and more intrinsically rewarding.
Although not all relationships become intimate and not all intimate relationships last, in those that do, day-to-day communication plays a major role.
In our culture the most common types of intimate relationships tend to be romantic couples, friendships, and family bonds.

A number of factors affect the movement toward and definition of intimacy.

Intimate relationships are often influenced by family interaction patterns learned earlier in life.
Cultural trends also affect the shape intimate relationships take. Scholars have identified three different “visions” of interpersonal interaction in the twentieth century.

In the middle of the twentieth century, self-sacrifice and harmony were valued.
In the 1960’s and 70’s autonomy and personal exploration were hallmarks of intimate relationships.
At the end of the twentieth century, a more business-like model became common as individuals were advised to negotiate relationships.

The physical and social environment affects the ways intimate relationships play out.

Shared episodes strengthen the likelihood a relationship will deepen by increasing behavioral interdependence, creating rules and norms for joint action, and encouraging interdependence in personal attitudes and characteristics.
Physical proximity begins the process.
Certain times and places can create intimacy readiness cues that trigger the need to create close relationships.
When events bring people together, they find each other attractive, and they experience arousal, romantic feelings can occur.

The exchange of relational messages during communication is a final factor that cements intimate bonds.

Relational messages cover a whole range of topics, including signals about control and dominance, involvement, similarity, formality, and closeness.
Dominance or one-up messages focus on control, telling us, “who has the right to direct, delimit, and define” the actions of a dyad.
Dominance messages can become patterned.

Complimentary patterns occur when one partner is dominant and the other is submissive.
Competitive symmetry occurs when both partners try to dominate.
Submissive symmetry occurs when both partners are submissive.

As partners send and receive relational messages, they develop master contracts, or implicit understandings of the rules of their relationships.
When, as a result of negotiating many sets of relational contracts, couples begin to share common orientations, values, and behaviors, they have created a relational culture.

Attraction is an important component in the development of romantic relationships.

Filtering theory suggests that attraction is determined by different criteria over time.

Sociological or incidental cues such as proximity or expectation of future interaction is the first filter that is used to determine attraction.
Pre-interaction cues, such as height, weight, physical beauty and so on are used to filter out potential romantic partners.
Interaction cues, such as ease of conversation, duration of eye contact, interaction distance, and so on, help determine attraction.
Finally cognitive cues based on impressions of others’ attitudes, values, and personality come into play.

Other research adds to our understanding of the factors that affect attraction.

Although physical beauty is an important determinant of attraction, the matching hypothesis tells us we are unlikely to pursue a relationship with someone who is much more physically attractive than we are.
Individuals with similar attitudes, interests, and personalities, as well as with similar cognitive and communicate abilities, will find one another attractive.
Reciprocated expressions of liking tend to cement feelings of attractiveness.
Persons with complementary levels inclusion, affection, or control needs may also find each other compatible.
Favorable exchange of relational currencies also makes a partner more attractive.

Relationships progress through stages of development, maintenance, and decline.

Knapp has identified five stages in the development of romantic relationships.

During the first stage, initiating, individuals introduce one another and engage in small talk.
During experimenting, they try to find out more about one another and work to impress one another.
The intensifying stage is often a period during which individuals use indirect suggestions, endurance, separation, or triangle tests to determine how deep the relationship is.
During the integrating stage, partners begin creating relational cultures by creating relational symbols.
During the bonding stage, the relationship is publicly recognized as legitimate.

Rawlins has identified stages in the development of friendships

Initially, interactions are role-limited, governed by rules of civility.
At some point individuals may progress to a friendly-relations stage during which casual, enjoyable interactions establish the groundwork for potential friendships.
In the moves-toward-friendship stage, invitations to engage in episodes that are less role-bound are extended and voluntarily accepted.
When individuals begin to think of themselves as “becoming friends,” they have entered the nascent friendship stage.
In the stabilized friendship stage, partners recognize each other as friends.
Neglect, lack of support from others, violations of trust, deviance from relational norms, competing demands on time, and a host of other factors may change a stabilized friendship into a waning friendship

Once relationships, whether friendly or romantic, develop, there is still work to be done.

Individuals must work out relational dialectics, balancing individual with relational identity.

Partners resolve the expressive-protective dialectic by deciding what to reveal and what to conceal.
Partners resolve the autonomy-togetherness dialectic by deciding how much time to spend together and how much to spend apart.
Partners resolve the novelty-predictability dialectic by deciding how to balance new activities with familiar activities.
Partners resolve the gender-role dialectic by deciding whether or not to follow traditional gender roles.
Dialectics can be resolved through strategies such as cyclic alternation, topical segmentation, moderation, disqualification, and reframing.

In order to maintain their relationship at a stable level, partners may bias their perceptions of one another.
Relationships are held together through everyday acts of communication called relational maintenance behaviors.

When romantic relationships dissolve, they often go through five stages.

During differentiating partners re-establish independence.
During circumscribing, partners’ interaction is limited to short, safe topics.
During stagnating, partners stay together but avoid interaction.
During avoiding, partners physically avoid being around one another.
During terminating, partners break up and try to make sense of the relationship.

Successful couples avoid dysfunctional communication patterns.

The Palo Alto Group points out that relational problems are created by both parties, that it is necessary to look at patterns of interaction to diagnose problems, and that blame is unproductive.
Experts have identified a number of dysfunctional patterns.

Disconfirming others by using impervious, interrupting, irrelevant, tangential, impersonal, incoherent, or incongruous responses can be destructive.
Spending time arguing over who started a dysfunctional pattern is called the problem of punctuation.
Double binds and paradoxes leave people with no way to resolve their discomfort.
URPs and spirals can increase tension.

Gottman has identified types of successful and unsuccessful couples as well as warning signs that lead relationships to self-destruct.

There are three kinds of successful couples.

Validating couples listen to one another and manage conflicts in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Volatile couples balance episodes of arguing with episodes of laughter and affection.
Avoidant couples minimize conflicts.
All successful couples exhibit at least a 5-to-1 ratio between positive and negative behaviors.

There are two kinds of unsuccessful couples.

Hostile-engaged couples use sarcasm, insults and contempt.
Hostile-detached couples show emotional distance.

Relationships entering decline often exhibit four warning signs.

Contempt, characterized by insults and mocking behavior, is another sign of relational problems.
The first warning sign is criticism, in which couple move beyond complaining and begin to make negative generalizations about each other.
Defensiveness, such as denying responsibility, making excuses, or whining, is a sign something is wrong in the relationship.
Stonewalling is also destructive; here at least one partner emotionally removes him or herself from the interaction.

Offering effective feedback is a communication skill necessary for relational success.

Individuals should take responsibility for their feelings by owning their messages.
Competent communicators avoid apologizing as they give feedback.
It’s important to make messages specific and behavioral.
Verbal and non-verbal expressions should match.
It’s essential to avoid evaluating and interpreting your partner.