Chapter 8 Chapter overview

The development of stable and satisfying interpersonal relationships is fundamental to human motivation, health, and well-being. They can also be a source of stress. Social scientists have collected a large body of research on the factors that influence our choice of relational partners. We choose relationships with others based on factors such as appearance, similarity, and complementarity. The social exchange theory suggests that we often seek out others who can give us rewards that are greater than the costs of the relationship. We also like to be around people who we perceive as competent and those who are in close proximity to us. Self-disclosure can build liking if it is reciprocal and well-timed.

Intimacy is described as a motivation to share one’s private self with another person. There are many forms of intimacy: physical intimacy, emotional disclosure, intellectual sharing, and shared activities. Just as there are various ways to be intimate, there are different ways to gain distance in a relationship. Some of these strategies include avoiding, being reserved, shortening interaction, restricting topics, restraint, and deception. In thinking about intimate relationships, the equally important needs for intimacy and distance often define the wavering path of long-term relationships.

As humans, we seek different levels of intimacy. Two powerful influences are gender and culture. Gender differences in intimacy have been researched time and time again. Collectively, research acknowledges that women are more likely to self-disclose and value talking about personal matters more than men, but men are more likely to express closeness by doing things together, focusing on shared activities. Cultural factors such as collectivism vs. individualism and gender role traditionalism also affect notions of intimacy as well as the amount of intimacy that people desire. 

How communication creates and reflects the changing dynamics of relational interaction is important when trying to understand and describe the workings of relationships. Knapp’s ten stages of relational development describe the processes of coming together, coming apart, and relational maintenance in relationships. The stages include initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, bonding, differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.

Not all theorists agree that relational stages are the best way to explain interaction in relationships. Some argue that maintaining relationships is about managing dialectical tensions – conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible desires exist simultaneously in a relationship. These dialectical forces include integration–separation, stability–change, and expression–privacy. Each can be manifested internally or externally. These tensions may be managed through denial, compromise, alternation, compartmentalization, acceptance, reframing, or reaffirmation.

Regardless of how relationships are analyzed, two characteristics are true of every interpersonal relationship: relationships are constantly changing, and movement is always to a new place.

Relational messages are important in communicating how we feel toward one another. They deal with one or more of the social needs of intimacy, affinity, respect, and control. Often, relational messages are communicated non-verbally, which can make emotional expression ambiguous. They may also be communicated through metacommunication, defined as messages that refer to other messages.

Several communication strategies can help with relational maintenance, which is communication that keeps relationships running smoothly and satisfactorily. Five of these are offered in the chapter: openness, assurances, joint activities and tasks, positivity, and social networks. During challenging times, we can offer social support in the form of emotional, informational, or instrumental support.

Interpersonal relationships are also inevitably met with challenges that may damage the relationship. For example, relational transgressions can occur when one partner violates terms of a relationship. Transgressions may be minor or significant, social or relational, deliberate or unintentional, and one-time or incremental. The best strategy for repairing a damaged relationship is offering an apology, which will ideally be met with forgiveness.