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Activity 1
Dialectical tensions are conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously. The following scenarios describe a relationship that displays relational challenges. For each scenario, respond to the following:
- Describe the conflicting desires.
- Is the conflict manifested internally or externally (or both)? What is the manifestation?
- Provide one strategy for managing the dialectical tension and explain why you think this is the best strategy for this relationship.
Nursing Scenario
Joanne, Alejandra, and Sarah all work the same nursing shift in the cardiac department. They regularly take their breaks and lunches together and have formed a friendship with one another after sharing their time talking about friends, family, and relationships. Others in the department have been talking negatively about the “triad” and this has made Alejandra and Sarah particularly annoyed. In addition, Joanne was just promoted to nurse manager in the department. Joanne has used her new role to maintain a bit of distance from Alejandra and Sarah in order to appear objective and effective with her decision-making at work. Alejandra and Sarah have missed having Joanne join them for breaks, and now they have been excluding Joanne from breaks—unintentionally—and have been spending more work time together, helping with each other’s patients, and trading off duties to help one another. Joanne is disappointed with the way their relationships have changed. Alejandra and Sarah seem content with the way things have changed.
Joanne is the nurse manager in a small hospital. She has risen up through the ranks and used to have a close friendship with two of her now subordinates. She misses the friendship and the time she spent over the years with Alejandra and Sarah at work and outside of work. Their families used to spend time together for birthdays, Christmas and other holidays throughout the year. Lately, Joanne’s husband has said that Jesse, Alejandra’s husband, has been “dodging” him when they see each other at their sons’ Scouts meetings. Joanne suspects that this has to do with her new role at the hospital and how the relationships have changed. She is disappointed that their families don’t spend time together anymore, but more disappointed that her husband is being affected. She hasn’t heard anything from their son yet, but fears that their son will also be affected. She is disappointed that things have had to change so much, and it is hard to see how Alejandra and Sarah seem to be unaffected.
Business Scenario
Dmitri seems to have all the time in the world to discuss his problems and personal life with his colleague Miguel at work. Most of the time, Miguel feels really uncomfortable when Dmitri is talking to him about his relationship and problems because he says terrible things about his partner and seems to always have a “problem,” causing Miguel to feel obligated to try to provide advice. Miguel really likes Dmitri, and they work side by side on the mechanical line at work. Lately, Dmitri has been probing Miguel about his relationship and pushes Miguel to complete awkwardness when he tries to change the subject. Miguel isn’t interested in sharing his personal problems with anyone at work and would prefer to talk about other things unrelated to these private matters. The tension is building up in Miguel and Dmitri is beginning to wonder what his issue is.
Dmitri was relieved when Miguel was transferred to his department. He was feeling so alone and isolated at work and with everything going on at home, it was difficult to get through the days with all the thoughts swimming through his mind. Miguel was so open to talking about relationships and was able to pick up on how Dmitri was feeling. The first day he asked if everything was okay, Dmitri felt like he had someone who he could connect with, who could be impartial and who could offer an outsider’s point of view on his personal relationship and issues at home. As things have continually escalated, Miguel has been a kind ear at work, and it has helped immensely.
Communication Scenario
Amanda and Trevor have been married for seven years and have two young children. Trevor has been feeling very bored in the relationship and has given up on trying to get Amanda’s attention. He has been wanting to get out for a “date night” to spend more time with Amanda, as this would be exciting and something he would feel good about. Amanda always seems busy with work and the kids with minimal time to spend with Trevor and wants to enjoy time with him watching television at night, albeit, sometimes while she is working on the laptop. Amanda feels overstimulated from trying to manage her work and family every day and looks to Trevor to calm her at night by being home together. There is clearly tension at this point.
Amanda is a small business owner and has set clear goals for the next six months. She has hired a marketing and sales consultant to help her. Some days it is so challenging to juggle family, work, the house and her marriage. Trevor looks distracted most of the time and Amanda is starting to get suspicious that he is unhappy in their marriage. What could she possibly do differently? He knows her goals and dreams. He pushed her to pursue her small business. Amanda is feeling resentful about how Trevor is talking about her business and is hurt by his comments last week about how her “hobby” is interfering with their intimacy.
Activity 2
Interpersonal Attraction
Identify and describe the reasons for why and how the relationship described below developed successfully.
In recent weeks, Susan has been thinking about starting a new romantic relationship. Although she is neither lonely nor depressed, Susan's high needs for intimacy and affiliation have not been satisfied by her current group of friends and acquaintances. Since moving to a new apartment complex three months ago, she has had casual yet repeated contact with a man named John who recently moved into an apartment two doors down from her. While Susan has exchanged little more than formal greetings and pleasant glances with John, she has begun to find him increasingly more attractive. Like Susan, John is a sociable and physically attractive person. Susan assumes that he must be a warm, self-confident, and talented individual.
The following week, Susan and John separately attend a large party for residents of the apartment complex. The party is held in a dimly lit, cool room filled with soft, pleasant music. Despite the fact that Susan and John happen to be in very good moods, both are somewhat apprehensive about having to meet and interact with new people. After getting up the nerve, Susan approaches John and starts a conversation. From the outset, her non-verbal behaviour toward him is very positive; she maintains eye contact, smiles, laughs, and adopts a relaxed, open body posture. Within minutes, she discovers that John is indeed a very warm and interesting person, someone whom she both likes and respects. As they pass the evening together, Susan learns that she and John have similar attitudes, personality traits, personal backgrounds, and interests. Moreover, Susan senses that John likes her just as much as she likes him. By the end of the night, they have embarked on a new relationship.
Activity 3
Relational Maintenance
If you were Susan, how would you reveal the good news to Bob? What would you say?
How do you imagine Bob will respond to Susan’s news?
In what ways, or to what extent, do you think Susan’s promotion and new salary will change Susan and Bob’s relationship?
Susan and Bob are married and have two children. To ensure the lifestyle they want for their family, both Susan and Bob work more than 40 hours per week. Though Bob tries to do his share of household chores, Susan somehow ends up more exhausted at week’s end.
Susan figures out how to get the kids to and from soccer and softball practice, where they go after school, and how they spend their time on weekends. That seems fair to Bob, since he makes more money than Susan, or, as he puts it, “brings home the lion’s share of the bacon,” so they can afford to take great family vacations, buy designer clothes, and eat in fine restaurants.
Given Bob’s position, Susan wonders how he will handle the latest news about her career. Susan had nearly floated out of the CEO’s office. Not only has she been promoted, but she has also been given a substantial salary increase—she will now be making more money than her husband. Yet the excitement and pride she feels is tinged with concern and uncertainty because she isn’t sure how Bob will react to the news. She sits down at her desk, takes a deep breath, takes out her cell, and calls Bob at his office. She tells herself he should be pleased, since now they will have even more money to spend on those extras that help make their lives easier.
Bob answers her call: “Hi, Susan. What’s up?”