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Activity 1
Consider the complexity of family systems. For the following scenarios, answer the questions that accompany them to investigate the complexities of communication in families.
Scenarios 1 & 2
Lauren and Brady have been married for 21 years. They have two children, Joe, 20, and Justine, 17. For the past two years, the family has been struggling with Joe’s drug addiction. His behaviour is getting worse and worse, as regular, calm, light-hearted family dinners are now becoming awkward and confrontational. Joe demands that he does not have a problem and that his parents should just butt out of his business. Justine has been feeling very sad because Joe no longer includes her in his life and she is starting to feel he is taking advantage of her by borrowing money, and he has put her in the middle of the battles with their parents. She has been covering for him when he is out late, and often helps him get to bed when he has come home drunk so his parents don’t hear him. Lauren and Brady have been quite clear about respect, talking about problems together, and checking in with each other about life. This has gradually ended since Joe’s drug addiction.
Manfred, a 24-year-old graduate student in social work, recalls being badgered by a former girlfriend. Elise was out to reform Manfred, to change him into what she desired in a boyfriend. She would lecture Manfred in private and then badger him in front of their friends about his drinking. Manfred knew that Elise’s dad was an alcoholic and had witnessed her dad drunk quite a few times. He was an angry and mean person when he drank, and Elise would often call Manfred and tell him about how much she hated alcohol and what it can do to families. Manfred realized that Elise’s fears about her own father’s drinking problems were projected onto their relationship. When Manfred decided to confront Elise, she became defensive and told him she wanted to end the relationship. It has been a month and Manfred has heard through friends that Elise’s father has become abusive with Elise and her mother. Manfred is planning to contact Elise and he feels very nervous because he wants to let her know that he cares about her and is available to help her and her mother.
Questions for discussion:
- Taking the perspective of each person, what could be happening in these families? Why is communication changing? What dialectic tensions exist? What are some more positive ways to deal with these situations through communication? Consider what you have learned about communication in families in this chapter, and communication climate and conflict styles in previous chapters.
Scenarios 3 & 4
Henri, Vivienne, and Jacques are used to finding out the rules of the house after one of them has broken one. They seem to always get yelled at by their father for things that are mundane, such as helping put out the trash or asking to go to a friend’s house when they are supposed to be cleaning their bedrooms. Their mother usually supports whatever their father dictates and reminds them that he is the “boss” in the house and that they should do as they’re told. The problem is that sometimes, their mother will give them permission to do what they ask despite what their father has demanded. Tensions are getting high in the house because Henri, Vivienne, and Jacques no longer enjoy being at home when their father is around. Even having dinner sparks some kind of criticism from their father.
Karen is 55 and is talking to her brother John about the care of their aging mother. Their mother requires more and more care each week that Karen visits and she can see how their mother’s health is deteriorating. John does not want to have the conversation. He tells Karen angrily, “Mom likes being home and I think we can make that happen for her, but it will take some doing. You can’t rip her out of her home just because you are too selfish to do extra work each week!” Meals on Wheels is already helping out, but Karen has been called by their staff more than once to let her know that their mother is not eating the food they leave for her. She needs the food for her medication. They have also told Karen that when they phoned John, he became very aggressive and said she isn’t eating the food because it is horrible food and there is nothing wrong with his mother.
Questions for discussion:
- Which orientation best describes each family’s communication? What are some of the negative outcomes of this dynamic? What are some more positive ways to deal with each situation? Consider what you have learned about communication in families in this chapter, and communication climate and conflict styles in previous chapters.
Activity 2
Communicating Needs Clearly
The three scenarios presented here describe interactions in which a friend does not initially give the desired response. For each one, write what you could say to clarify what you want.
- You’ve just found out that your car needs two new tires and alignment, and you don’t have any extra cash. Worrying about money is the last thing you want to do now, with everything else on your mind. You see a friend and tell him what’s happened. He says, “Sit down, let’s talk about it.” You don’t want to talk; you want to get your mind off the problem.
You say: _____________________________________________________
- You are unhappy because your boyfriend or girlfriend is transferring to a school 600 miles away. You think that you’ll miss him or her, and you’re also worried that the relationship might not survive the distance. A friend calls, and you mention your concerns. In response, she says, “You can handle this. Just make sure that the two of you have email accounts, and you’ll be fine.” Although you’d like to believe this, it seems like empty reassurance to you. You’d rather have some help sorting through your feelings.
You say: _______________________________________________________
- A friend tells you that she is really worried about the job market. As she talks, you hear several things: her worry about making a living, her uncertainty about where she will be living, and her doubts about self-worth. You say to your friend, “Sounds as if you are feeling pretty overwhelmed by all of this. Maybe it would help if we looked at one piece of the problem at a time.” Your friend lets out a frustrated sigh and replies, “I don’t want to analyze every bit and piece!” You’re not sure what your friend wants or how to help her.
You say: _______________________________________________________